Dulce Bellum Inexpertis
by Evie1989
Summary: Iain's terrible memories finally come to the surface and Sam is the only one who can understand. Very long oneshot. Iain/Sam friendship I think.


**So this is another thing that I wrote, again on my phone. I definitely didn't intend for it to be this long, but in the end the story just ended up kind of writing itself. I don't know how I feel about this one (as usual aha) so your comments would be very much appreciated :) This one's dedicated to Beth who's a clever bean and came up with the title, translated it means 'war is sweet for those who haven't experienced it'. Thank you :)**

* * *

"Oi what about my coffee," Dixie asked indignantly as Iain handed Jeff a steaming mug and took a sip from his own cup.

"Ran out, I've put more on," Iain replied with a smirk and Dixie narrowed her eyes at him.

"This is because I made you clean the ambulances again isn't it?" She said, shooting a look at Iain and then Jeff. They were both smiling into their coffees.

"Don't look at me Dix, it's nothing to do with me," Jeff said, suppressing a laugh.

Dixie's interrogation of Iain and Jeff was cut short by an immense rattling from across the room. The coffee machine was shaking with such force that the glass pot beneath it was dangerously close to falling off.

"Jeff," Dixie said warningly, pointing to the coffee machine.

Al three of them managed to duck before the machine actually blew up, taking the glass pot with it. The spray of glass and hot coffee thankfully didn't reach across to where they were sitting.

Jeff was the first to look up and he saw the dark brown stain on the wall where the coffee had be splattered.

"Everyone alright?" He asked, getting to his feet. He surveyed the damage, shaking his head. If they'd been just a bit closer.

"Bloody hell," Dixie remarked, standing up to join Jeff in looking at the damage.

Iain however was flat on the floor his hands covering the back of his head defensively.

"Iain, it's alright mate, you can get up now," Jeff said, when Iain made no attempt to move.

"Iain, are you hurt?" Dixie asked warily.

"You killed him," Iain snarled as he suddenly jumped to his feet. Dixie shot a confused look at Jeff but he just laughed.

"Good one mate," Jeff laughed, thinking that Iain was joking around. But when Dixie took a small step towards him, Iain lunged over to the other side of the room and grabbed a shard of broken glass from the floor. "You killed him."

"I don't think he's joking Jeff," Dixie said, a confused frown on her face.

"I won't let you do it again, you're going to pay," Iain was muttering about the Taliban and insurgents, as he scanned the room. He was looking for something. Or someone. "What have you done with Major Nicholls? Bring her back!" He shouted, waving the piece of glass dangerously.

Both Dixie and Jeff were rooted to the spot, their hands out in front of them in defence.

"Does he mean Sam?" Dixie whispered to Jeff, and Iain picked up on her use of Sam's name.

"Where is she?" Iain shouted. A thin sheen of sweat had appeared on his forehead and he was visibly agitated. By now both Jeff and Dixie had realised that something was seriously wrong. Iain hadn't moved any closer to them but the fact he was he was holding the shard of glass was unnerving enough.

"We-we'll get her," Dixie said, slipping her hand into her pocket to get her phone.

"Are you mad?" Jeff hissed quietly at his partner, "we need security or the police,"

"Let's just try this first alright?" Dixie whispered. She glanced over to Iain who was still muttering to himself. As long as they didn't speak loudly they seemed not to draw his attention.

Jeff shook his head but made no move to stop Dixie as she tapped out a text to Sam.

* * *

"I mean it, either you learn to cook properly or I'll get you a cookery course for Christmas," Sam jibed as she brought two cups of tea over to the table.

"I can cook," Tom protested, his mouth half full with a digestive biscuit, "you said you liked that lasagne I made last week,"

"Well I lied," she smirked, stealing the last bit of Tom's biscuit out of his hand, "it was horrible,"

Settling back on to the sofa Sam felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She frowned as she read the text from Dixie.

***999 amb bay- it's Iain***

"Who's that?" Tom asked, attempting to look over at Sam's phone. Sam closed the message quickly so that Tom wouldn't see. She glanced up at the clock, she only had 10 minutes left of her break, and it was probably just some stupid joke they were playing on her.

"No one," she said, putting her phone away and turning her attention back to Tom.

Not 5 minutes later she got another text from Dixie, this one in capital letters. Sam had a bad feeling in her stomach, something must have been really wrong for Dixie to text her twice in such short succession.

"I'm just, I've got something to do I'll be back in a minute," Sam said as she quickly exited the staff room. The last thing she needed was Tom following her.

"Sam wait, where are you going?" Tom called, but Sam had already left.

* * *

The bad feeling in Sam's stomach didn't fade as she walked into the ambulance bay, she had been hoping that this was some sort of silly joke but as she rounded the corner and the office came into view she knew that it was the furthest thing from a joke.

Jeff bad Dixie had their backs to the door, and through the window she could see Iain, standing maybe 4 metres away from them. As she got closer she identified the object that he had clasped in his hand.

"Oh no," she whispered to herself, not wanting to believe the scene unfolding before her eyes. With shaking hands Sam reached for the door knob, her mind was in overdrive, and she wasn't entirely sure how she was going to handle the situation.

The sound of the door opening caused another reaction in Iain. He crouched down again, assuming a defensive position and Sam moved quickly to use the time while he was distracted.

"Go!" Sam whispered, motioning for Jeff and Dixie to leave.

Jeff remained where he was, an incredulous look on his face at Sam's request, "No way Sam," he said, but Dixie was already attempting to pull him out of the room.

"Please, you asked me to come here, just go, let me deal with this," Sam pleaded, noticing from the corner of her eye that Iain had begun to stand up.

"That wasn't my idea," Jeff protested but Sam turned and pushed at Jeff, her desperation beginning to show, "I can handle it," she said angrily, and he finally relented, backing of the room and letting the door close behind him.

* * *

"I'm calling security," Jeff said, reaching for his phone, "this is ridiculous. Who knows what he's capable of?""

Dixie placed her hand over Jeff's, preventing him from making the phone call, "Just give it a few minutes," Dixie said, compassion written all over her face, "I think Sam can help." but Dixie says

"Sam can help with what?" came the voice of Tom from across the room. Both Dixie and Jeff whirled around at his question.

"Tom mate don't get angry," Jeff said apprehensively as Tom joined them where they were standing.

But Tom had already looked past the pair and had seen what was happening in the office. "What the hell is Sam doing in there?" he asked angrily. So that's what the text had been about.

"I thought she might able to help," Dixie started to explain, "He's having a flashback to Afghanistan, he thought we were the Taliban," she said, knowing full well that the explanation would not be satisfactory to Tom.

"So you sent her in there with a maniac holding broken glass!?" Tom shouted.

"He won't hurt her Tom," Dixie said.

"Are you sure of that?" Tom seethed, "I'm going in there," he made a move towards the door but Jeff pulled him back.

"You going in there guns blazing isn't going to help at all is it?" Jeff countered, and even through his frustration Tom could see that the paramedic was talking sense.

"Give her 5 minutes Tom, then we'll call security," Dixie reasoned.

"And the police," Tom remarked furiously, crossing his arms as he turned his attention back to what was happening in the office.

* * *

Iain had stood shakily to his feet and he was waving the glass around in front of him absentmindedly. He looked up, registered that Sam was in front of him and stared at her face for a moment before he spoke.

"I've found this, next time they come we'll have 'em Sam. They're not getting away with this any longer," he said quickly, the words tumbling out of his mouth in an excited mess.

Sam's heart sunk. She recognised his stance, the way he held the piece of glass. She saw the black stain on the wall where the coffee pot had exploded and she realised he'd gone back to that awful place that still haunted Sam's dreams.

"Iain," she said cautiously, holding her hands out in front of herself.

"I won't let then hurt you again Sam," he said warningly, and his eyes were darting around the room, constantly checking his surroundings. Despite this he seemingly remained oblivious to the fact that he was in the ambulance bay office and not in Afghanistan.

"I'm not hurt Iain," Sam said quietly, shaking her head.

Iain slammed his hand down hard on to the work surface, making Sam jump, "Don't lie to me Sam, I know what they do when they take you away, they take me too, and Henley, they took him too before they killed him," Iain shouted and his whole body was shaking as he said the words.

Those words sounded foreign to Sam, she'd never heard them come out of his mouth before. She felt physically sick at the implication. She'd never even considered that they had done it to him or Henley too, they'd never shown it. It meant he had probably never spoken a word of it to anyone else and whilst Sam had been through weeks of counselling to process her ordeal, Iain had been given the standard three sessions and sent on his way.

"Iain..." She choked out, unable to formulate a sentence properly from the words swimming around in her head.

"I'm gonna get them, I'm going to make them pay, just wait until they come back in,"

It was now obvious to Sam that she was getting nowhere trying to talk to Iain as if he was currently in the present with her. She had to go back to where he was.

"Corporal Dean," she said, in the strongest voice she could muster.

Iain stood to attention, his focus now fully fixed on Sam, but the broken glass was still clutched dangerously in his hand.

"At ease," Sam said shakily, the order coming out of her mouth felt so foreign to her, she hadn't said the words in so long.

Iain's body relaxed slightly but he was still agitated and it was obvious he was still trapped in the past.

"Give me the glass Corporal" she ordered, wishing her voice sounded stronger than it did to her own ears.

"No Sam I've got a plan."

* * *

_"Sam I've got a plan," Iain said crouching down in front of her shaking form. He was holding a sharp piece of rock in his hands, it had been loosened from the wall blocks when the bullet that had claimed Henley's life had exited his head and smashed into the sandstone._

_But Sam wasn't looking at Iain or the rock in his hand. Her eyes were fixed on the blood spatter on the wall. They'd taken the body away but had left the mess and she was fighting to stop herself from vomiting as she noticed flecks of white and grey mingled in with the red. She'd seen horrific battle wounds, seen people injured in the line of duty but she had never seen someone shot at point blank range before. She absentmindedly reached up to her cheek and it came away red. Henley's blood had gotten everywhere._

_Sam didn't understand why Henley had reacted like he did when their captors came into the cell that morning. They'd come in, roughed them up a bit, and still they'd not given up any information. They'd told them in vain time me time again, they were just a medic team, they went where they were told. They weren't given logistical details. Their captors didn't care though, and they seemed to enjoy giving the beatings, they didn't even ask them many questions any more. They'd stopped asking Sam questions more than a week ago. But Henley had just snapped, lashing out at the two men who entered the dark dingy cell. He'd managed to throw one of them to the ground but before Sam and Iain had had a chance to react the second man had drawn his gun and shot Henley straight between the eyes._

_Gareth Henley. He was only 19. It had taken a moment for what had happened to register in Sam's mind but the sickly coppery smell that quickly filled the room brought it all to reality. The two men were shouting, arguing with each other; obviously agitated that they now had a dead body on their hands. They'd dragged Henley's body by his feet out of the cell, leaving a red trail behind them and shut the heavy door with a click._

_Sam had been rooted to the spot since that moment, every ounce of battle-readiness sucked out of her. Iain had recovered faster and had spotted the splintered piece of rock._

_"I've got a plan," he repeated, waving the piece of rock in front of her face, "the next time they come back, I'll take out one, get his gun, you can use this on the other one, get his gun, then we break out of here."_

_But Sam was shaking her head. There were more than just the two men who held them captive, she could barely even stand, and Iain was nursing cracked ribs. Iain's plan was just a snap reaction to Henley's death. A plan that would get them killed._

_"I can't," she said quietly, focusing her attention away from the man in front of her._

_"Come on Sam, we were all trained in hand to hand combat, we can do this," he insisted. He put the piece of rock down and grasped Sam by her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. He had a fire in his eyes, he actually looked sort of manic but Sam just couldn't make herself move._

_"There's no way Iain, we can't."_

_"We have to try," he said desperately_

_But Sam couldn't even bear the thought of getting up. She was too tired and in too much pain._

_"No," she said softly, pulling her gaze away again._

_Suddenly he threw the rock against the wall, and Sam jumped as she heard it shatter into pieces. "Why do you want to stay here? Let them keep pulling you apart piece by piece!" Iain shouted, jumping to his feet._

_He kicked the wall in frustrating and Sam curled herself further into a ball. Iain kept on shouting and kicking the wall but Sam had tuned the noise out. She'd become pretty good at blocking out the things she didn't like._

* * *

Sam realised now, she realised just why Henley had finally snapped like that and why Iain had gotten so angry when she'd refused to help him. Sam had been so caught up in her own struggle that she hadn't noticed that her team mates had been going through the same thing. And while she'd lost her fight they hadn't been ready to give up. It had cost Henley his life.

They been rescued 4 days later. They'd both spent a week in the hospital in Camp Bastion before they'd flown back to the UK. She'd spent a few weeks in the fumbling care of Dylan before the counsellor had declared her fit to return to duty on the condition she kept up her therapy while she was there. Iain had gone back 2 weeks earlier than she had. She saw him again for the first time on her second night back in the mess hall. She'd been afraid of his reaction because he'd hardly spoken to her after her refusal to help, and he had answered none of her calls while they'd been back in the UK. He'd seemingly ignored her on that second night, only for him to come knocking on her door later that evening, the look in his eyes anything but confrontational.

"It's okay," he'd said, speaking before she'd even had a chance to open her mouth. "We're okay Sam". Then he'd held her as she cried, continually telling her that it would be okay. She'd been more than glad to take his comfort and not once did he talk about himself. She'd been so wrapped up in herself she hadn't even noticed. How Sam wished now that Iain had been more honest with her. Then this whole situation that they were currently in may have never happened.

But it _was_ happening, and Sam forced her attention back to the trembling man in front of her. He had the same fire in his eyes as he'd had on that day. And with every fibre of her being she knew she couldn't let him down again.

"What's the plan?" She asked shakily, tentatively taking a step towards Iain.

"We wait til they come back, then I'll take one down, get his gun, and you take the other one, get his gun." It was like being pulled back in time 6 years. Sam could almost smell the dry dusty air as Iain spoke.

"Okay," Sam agreed, nodding. Her heart was racing, she knew that Iain could snap at any time, that he could potentially find himself trapped in a different part of his memory where he would confuse Sam with an enemy. She glanced down at the glass he had clutched in his hand. There was blood dripping down on to the carpet because he was grasping it so tightly.

"What about that?" She asked calmly, pointing to the glass.

* * *

"Tom," Dixie warned as he once again made a move towards the office door

"Oh come on Dix we have to call someone, even if she does talk him down he's gonna need some professional help," Jeff said calmly, holding out his phone. Dixie sighed, and then nodded. Even she knew that this wasn't something that was going to be easily brushed under the carpet.

"If he does anything to her I swear..." Tom said dangerously, the fury on his face evident.

"He won't hurt her Tom," Dixie said, "when he thought we were the enemy, all he was saying was about protecting Sam. He won't hurt her."

Tom watched fearfully through the glass as Sam took small steps towards Iain. He clenched his fists as he thought of Sam being in danger at the hands of Iain. He had never liked the man and it seemed like all of his feelings had been proven right.

* * *

Iain had agreed to give Sam the piece of glass and she was standing with her hand outstretched, trying her hardest to keep it from shaking as she waited for him to move. As he laid the shard in her hand it was warm and sticky, covered in his blood.

"I-I'm going to hide it, so they don't find it," Sam said, hoping that Iain would accept it. He didn't say anything, but nodded as Sam slowly backed away to the other side of the office. She placed the shard of glass behind the microwave, and picked up a tea towel.

"Iain you've hurt your hand," Sam said and Iain moved to look at his hand. He flexed it, his face blank as more blood dropped from the wound on to the carpet.

"Here," Sam said quietly, gently taking his hand in hers and wrapping the tea towel around the laceration. It would definitely need stitches.

Iain stiffened as someone started to turn the door knob. Sam spun around, still holding Iain's hand in her own and saw Tom standing in the doorway. He looked so angry, and Sam shot him a look that mirrored his own.

"They're back," Iain shouted pulling his hand away from Sam's grip, "Sam quickly!"

She grabbed his arm again and attempted to pull him back. He was stronger than her though and felt her grip loosening.

"Tom you need to go," Sam warned, her tone indicating that she was not messing around.

"I'm not leaving you here with this... this psycho," Tom shouted, spitting out the last two words so venomously that something inside Sam snapped. Tom really had no idea.

"Get out. NOW!" Sam yelled, as she finally lost her grip on Iain. He was walking towards the microwave where she'd hidden the piece of glass. Sam's heart was racing, this could end very, very badly.

"Please, Tom you're making things worse, please leave. PLEASE, GET OUT!" Sam shouted, her voice desperate and strained.

Iain seemed oblivious to the confrontation between the pair as he rooted around for the piece of glass. He was muttering to himself and Sam was grateful that he hadn't seemed to have noticed the rest of the broken glass that surrounded the shattered coffee pot.

"Jeff!" She yelled, waving her arms to catch the attention of the paramedic through the window. Jeff opened the door cautiously "Get him out of here," Sam ordered, her eyes darting furiously between Iain and Tom. All of her senses were heightened, the adrenaline that was coursing through her veins was making her whole body trembling.

Jeff looked conflicted for a second but after some prompting from Dixie, he grabbed Tom by the shoulders and pulled him out of the room before the other man had a chance to react. Iain whirled around at the sound of the door closing, the shard of glass now held in his uninjured hand.

"They're gone, Iain," Sam said shakily, "they're gone, it's okay," Sam attempted to reassure him, balling her hands into fists to try and stop them shaking.

"IT'S NOT O-"

"3006 to Holby control over,"

Iain's attention was jerked to the sound coming from the far corner of the room. It coming was Jeff's radio that he'd left on the sofa.

"3006 do you copy?"

It was as if the crackly voice on the radio had made something click in Iain's head. Almost immediately his posture changed, Sam saw his shoulders slump and as he looked down at the glass in his hand then slowly back up at a shaking Sam a horrified expression crossed his face.

"Iain," she whispered, her breath catching in her throat.

"No," he muttered, "no."

"Iain, look at me," Sam demanded gently.

He brought his face up and looked Sam straight in the eyes and the pain she could see on his face took her breath away. It was like looking at herself 6 years ago, a broken soul riddled with pain and she had absolutely no idea how Iain had been carrying this awful secret for so long.

"Let me take the glass yeah?" She said softly, holding out her hand. Iain's own hand shaking he reached out and placed the shard of glass in Sam's palm. Swiftly she put it down out of Iain's reach and turned her attention back to the broken man.

"Iain, I," Sam found herself unable to formulate a coherent sentence, she couldn't find the words that would take away Iain's pain and suffering. They didn't exist.

Iain looked around the room, and it was clear to Sam that he now knew where he was, that he was back in the present. Over Sam's shoulder Iain could see Dixie and Jeff, and a furious looking Tom all staring intently through the window. He could see a pair of uniformed security guards behind them.

"Sorry," he choked out, "I'm so sorry." Tears were welling up in his eyes and his voice wavered with the effort of trying to keep them from falling.

"It's alright," Sam soothed, reaching out to re wrap the tea towel around Iain's hand. She couldn't help but notice that he flinched slightly at her touch.

"It's not," Iain remarked, "they did things, they did horrible things," his manner was eerily calm, but the tears swimming in his eyes let Sam know that a breakdown was imminent.

Sam closed her eyes as if it would take her out of the awful situation she was currently in. She found herself wishing that it was a nightmare, that she would wake up any second and realise that this was all just a sick joke her mind had decided to play on her. But she could _feel_ the pain rolling off of Iain in waves and she knew that it was real.

"I know," she whispered, Iain's admittance only serving to bring up her own terrible memories.

"They forced me, I fought every time. I did," tears were slipping down Iain's cheeks now and he was visibly shaking.

So that was why Iain always had the worst injuries, Sam realised. At the time Sam had had thought it was because he was he most vocal of the group, the mouthiest. Knowing the truth sent a spear of guilt straight through her being. She had been so selfish to not see what was happening.

"I know you did,"

"Why Sam?" He asked her in a pleading voice, the tears flowing freely now, "why?"

"I don't know," Sam admitted, it was a question she'd often asked herself and she had yet after 6 years and multiple therapy seasons been able to come up with a suitable answer. She didn't think there was one.

Iain dropped to his knees with a heaving sob, and Sam was certain that she'd never ever forget that haunting sound. Her own tears ran hotly down her face, she had long since given up with trying to hold them back.

She sat down next to him and pulled Iain half on to her lap, cradling him like a child. His sobs shook Sam's body violently as she wrapped her arms tightly around him, hoping to provide him with some sort of comfort, all the while knowing from experience that nothing really helped.

"I'm so sorry," she cried, "I'm so so sorry."

She was sorry that he had to go through it, she was sorry that she'd not noticed and she was sorry that he'd been carrying it around for so long on his own. She knew she would never have been able to carry a burden that big and that horrible.

"You've been so strong, but you don't have to do this on your own anymore," Sam soothed, whispering the words in his ear as she stroked his hair, "I'm here, it's okay."

* * *

Dixie, Jeff and Tom stared at the scene which had just unfolded in front of them. The sight of Iain, sobbing in Sam's arms was something none of them would have betted on seeing. Dixie turned away, felling the need to give the two some privacy but Jeff and Tom continued to watch them.

"What the hell happened in Afghanistan?" Jeff asked, vocalising the question that was on everyone's minds.

Both the paramedics looked at Tom expectantly but he shrugged his shoulders as he realised he had absolutely no idea. Sam didn't like to talk about the army much with him, maybe this, whatever it was, was why. Jealously bubbled up within Tom as he watched the two together, obviously bound together by some shared horror of war that he would never understand. He found his feet moving before he even realised he was walking away.

"Where you going mate?" Jeff asked.

"Make sure she's safe yeah?" Tom replied, avoiding the question.

* * *

Sam wasn't sure of how much time had passed while she'd been there on the floor, but she loosened her grip a little as she realised that she was clinging to Iain as much as he was clinging to her. She'd been denying how much Iain being in Holby had stirred up memories she would rather forget. She found herself considering that maybe this was why he had come back, because he couldn't bear to be by himself with his own memories any more. Whatever the reason was, Sam had a duty to him to help him in whatever way she could, and she wasn't stupid, she knew what Iain needed was professional help. It couldn't be fixed in a day. Iain was much calmer now, but he hadn't made any attempt to move.

She glanced up and saw only Jeff and Dixie standing by the window. She waved them in, but put her finger to her lips in an attempt to keep them quiet.

"Iain," she said softly, "Jeff and Dixie are here to help us okay? We need to get your hand seen to,"

_And a psych consult_, she added in her head, but she didn't say it out loud, she didn't want to spook Iain.

Iain nodded, his eyes closed, most probably from exhaustion.

"Alright Iain love," Dixie said kindly as she crouched down next to the pair of them, "let's get this hand sorted eh?"

Sam was pleased that Dixie seemed to be on the same page as her. Dixie and Jeff helped Iain to stand up and Dixie led him away back into the ambulance bay, the security officers watching them closely but keeping their distance. Jeff or Dixie must have told them to stay back.

Jeff crouched down next to Sam, she hadn't yet moved from the floor and tears were still streaming down her face.

"You alright princess?" He asked softly, placing a hand on Sam's shoulder.

She nodded vacantly, though her head was screaming out that no, she wasn't alright.

"Take him up to AAU," Sam said, "not the ED," she wanted to spare Iain as much of the hospital rumour mill as possible.

"Yeah that's probably for the best," Jeff agreed before standing then reaching out a hand to help Sam up.

"He needs a psych consult," Sam said, and she couldn't help but feel a little bit like she was betraying Iain as she said it.

"Okay," Jeff said, nodding, though he already knew that.

"Where did Tom go?" Sam asked, looking out of the window once more just in case she hadn't spotted him the first time.

"He uh, he left. I don't know where he's gone. I'm sorry Sam," Jeff said sadly and Sam couldn't help the sinking feeling she felt in her chest. She'd have to find him later and explain, and knowing Tom it would probably have to be all the horrible details. He wouldn't settle for vague.

"I need to go and see Zoe, apologise for leaving in the middle of my shift," Sam said, looking up the clock. She's been gone for almost two hours, "then I'll try and get up to AAU," she didn't want Iain to feel as if she had abandoned him.

"I'll let Iain know," Jeff said, making a move towards the door, "we'll take care of him... you did good today Sam," he smiled a weird half smile as he exited the office, closing the door behind him. Sam watched Jeff and Dixie lead Iain out of the ambulance bay, supporting his shaky frame on either side.

Sam let out a deep sigh and wrapped her arms tightly around herself. She found herself pushing the three things she needed to do in haste; talk to Zoe, find Tom and go and see Iain, to the back of her mind momentarily. All three would require some modicum of explanation or talk of the past and she just needed a moment. A moment to try and convince herself that she was able to get through this all over again. The scary part was that despite her promises to Iain, Sam wasn't at all sure whether she could.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading, if you managed to stay til the end and pretty please review, they are very much appreciated :) x**


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